US Navy welcomes the USS Ted Kennedy

Posted by DarthDilbert at 1/12/2007 11:20:00 AM

The USS Ted "The Swimmer" Kennedy (CV-12) was christened early this morning from its home port of Chappaquiddick, Massachusetts as a 1967 Oldsmobile Delmonte 88 was launched from it's deck.

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Senator Kennedy "for his foresight in underwater warfare and tactics" and his conduct while Senator. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled Chivas bottles and is completely solar powered with a lightning top speed of 2 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one Vought VE-7 which although unarmed forms a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20 person crew is completely diversified and includes members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Bill Clinton, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

On board they have a Type One DNC Universal Translator which can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

The ship’s purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense - but instead in times of conflict the USS Ted Kennedy has orders to seek refuge in Canada or Sealand. The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-op’s and can be used extensively for social experimentation, and whatever other worthless jobs, the senior senator from Massachusetts and his bottle can think of.

It is largely rumored that the ship will also be the set for the upcoming season of MTV’s "The Real World". The ship was renamed and commissioned USS Ted Kennedy when someone realized the USS Blowfish was already taken.